This could easily become a list of all the horrible things that took place in 2014; things that happened to us, things that were directed at us, and then there are the very personal failures of 2014. But first, let’s look at the bright side;
We are still alive;
My family made it through the very-bad, no-good year alive;
We are still blessed;
We are beginning to believe that God might still have a plan for us…I’m waiting for a map or some written plan to appear. I don’t want to get my hopes up. Until one shows up, I’m sitting in my corner.
Now, for the not so great stuff…
I discovered my breaking point this year. And I broke all over the place. It was messy, scary and transforming. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. Trust has become the rare gem that I hide away now. I’m not sure how to work with trusting others. The people that stuck around after my descent into brokenness and have helped put me back together were rather surprising. So just know that the love I have for the people I work with every day has multiplied exponentially. You know, the ones we all normally complain about…they showed up, saw my pain, and did what any good friend would do…they loved me.
I stared fear down and then retreated into a corner to hide. I found just how weak my faith has become. I’ve found reciting bible passages while you are intimidated doesn’t work. I figured out how inadequate I’ve become.
I begged the Lord for many things this year. Begged. Not asked. Still waiting.
We put people we love in difficult positions this year. We broke hearts. We even broke our own hearts. It is still tough to look them in the eye.
So, c’est fini 2014. I’m really counting on this magical 365 blank paged book everyone is posting about. I need a new start.
Is it just me, or have we become a nation…no, generation…no that doesn’t work either, an age of people who do a lot of talking (talking=talking+blogging+texting+posting+tweeting)? We all rush to post our witty repartee (sp?) online in real time. We all strive to be authentic. We tweet, we blog, we post. I’m not sure what the agenda is for all of us. I know watching my statistics is a hoot. But really, are we missing something? What is missing?
Duh. When was the last time you listened to someone without checking your FB status? Or your blog statistics?
Please don’t take offense. I’m reflecting on my own behavior, mostly. So, yes, I’ve forgotten to listen, neglected to ask and missed out on a lot.
How does someone who’s hobby is blogging find balance? What say you?
Life. It’s what many of us blog about. And sometimes, we blog, blog, watch our stats, blog, link up to others blogs, and then we look up and see life happening all around us. That’s happening to me this week. Life. Unexpected. Requiring my full attention.
On normal Thursdays, I’d be posting to www.mamakatslosinit.com. Here are her prompts for this week:
1.) Describe the last argument you had or witnessed.
2.) Tell us about a “character” in your town or neighborhood who left an impression on you. (inspired byGo Dansker Mom)
3.) If I gave you $500 today, but you could use it for only one purchase, what would you buy and why?
4.) Thursday, March 7th is National Cereal Day…write about your favorite cereal when you were a child. How has it changed?
5.) List 10 random things you know how to do.
I won’t be linking up today, because, like I said, LIFE is requiring my full attention. Those of you who don’t post there, check her out!
Coffee, coffee, coffee!!!!
Wish it would have this effect on me!
Spring is in the air here in East Texas. Even though temperatures dipped pretty low last night for our area of the world, I can FEEL springs’ approach. Feel it. Yes, I do feel it. All over. My ears tingle, and not in a pleasant way. Little, weird bumps line the sides of my tongue. My back, head, stomach, and legs cry for my fingernails to scratch away the incessant itch that spring brings. And lets not even talk about my nose. For the last couple of weeks, I wake up each morning with a nose so stuffed, it whistles as I attempt to inhale and exhale. Spring is a pain.
When I feel well enough, I do try to get outside to look at all the pretty flowers. We have a lot here in East Texas! It’s absolutely beautiful here. Azaleas, roses, and daffodils are all starting to bloom. And the trees are flowering! Dogwoods, pear trees, tulip trees! A feast for the eye, but infestation for the skin! So, I’ll be enjoying the view from my bedroom window, hopped up on zyrtec and benadryl!
So, MamaKat posted the writing prompt; 1.) Incorporate the phrase “stop looking at me like that” into your post. When I read that, I knew I needed to reblog this old post. I wrote this in April 2010, about 7 months after my dad died. I know that many of the posts generated by the MamaKatslosinit writing prompts are funny. And no, this one is not funny. And I didn’t have to incorporate that phrase, it was already there. I may try to come up with another post to fit one of her other prompts, but I really want to share this one. Something old from The Princess Blogger.
I’ve had a blessed life. Blessed. That’s the word. How many people can say that their parents married once, didn’t divorce and argued very little around them. Not many. I’m not bragging. I’m just very thankful. I was also blessed to have parents who wanted a child very much. It took them more than ten years to conceive. They really wanted me. Every child should know this feeling of being wanted. I’m blessed.
My dad was wrapped tightly around my little finger. He loved me unconditionally and told me often. His hugs were tight and frequently given. I have very few memories from my childhood without him. As I grew, his love manifested in different ways. He still hugged and professed his love verbally. He watched me closer, though. He watched the boys that came around. When I began to date, he fretted. He didn’t like any of the boys I brought home in high school. He was a smart man. During that early dating period, my dad would wait in his recliner with a loaded shotgun across his lap. Understand, that driving up to my house, you could see my dad, clear as day framed by the large picture window that revealed our living room. Lights would be blazing all through the house, including the porch light. I’m not sure if he made the boys nervous or not. Even then, boys were sort of arrogant and resented authority. I’ve finally realized that I was the cause of his chronic Rolaids use. Poor man. While he didn’t like any of the boys that I brought home in high school, he had no issues with the last man I brought home when I was in college. Of course, that one I married. My dad had impeccable taste. I should have listened to him more.
My dad was an amazing father. But he was really in his element as a grandfather. I was almost jealous of the love he had for my son. Almost. My dad was generous with his love and his time. I don’t remember either of my grandfathers. But my son does.
My dad died last September after fighting cancer for over seven years. He had been in an out of the hospital during the last three months of his life. His body was just giving out. During a couple of those last visits, I wondered if he’d make it out of the hospital. But on this last hospital stay, I allowed myself to be hopeful. Our family had already been dealt such a heavy blow. Two days after my dad was admitted to the hospital, my mother-in-law, a vibrant, active 67-year-old woman died from a massive hemorrhagic stroke. We were all in shock. I was doing well to just put one foot in front of the other in the days following her death. To give you a better understanding, here’s the timeline: My dad was admitted to the hospital in terrible pain late on a Friday night. He intestines weren’t functioning, his body was deteriorating. Out of the blue, my mother-in-law collapsed and an ambulance rushed her to the ER late that Sunday. She died on Monday. We delayed her funeral until Friday. Obviously, we didn’t expect my dad to come, even though both families were close. We delayed her funeral so that everyone from far off places could get here. We scheduled it for Friday morning.
The day before her funeral, the doctors were still running tests on my dad. During the morning hours, he was very sick. But he seemed to rebound in the afternoon. By the time I left, he was looking better. At one point, my mom, my husband, my dad and I were all in his hospital room talking. My dad was feeling a little better, but still looking gray. My husband, who was doing his best to just BE in a hospital room, was nervously chatting away. At that moment, I noticed that my mom looked as if she was ready to cry.
“Stop looking at me like that,” she said to my dad. He was staring at her with a strange intensity. I asked him if everything was ok. He sighed and told me that yes, he was fine, he was just tired.
We left a little later. My mom went home. We went to my husband’s parents house, one block away from my dad’s hospital. Everyone had finally made it in for the funeral. Food from our wonderful church family, co-workers, and school friends was starting to arrive. My husband’s dad needed us to help organize and document who was bringing what so that we could send out thank you cards. I was having a hard time keeping up. I was sick to my stomach. Not because of the food. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew that something was wrong. Of course! I told myself. Your mother-in-law just died and your dad is in the hospital! What’s right? I wrote off “that feeling” to normal shock and grief. I promised myself that we would visit my dad again on our way home. I never paid attention to the visitor’s hours when it came to my dad. The nurses always seemed to be thankful for my help when I was there. And, again, his hospital was just down the block from my husband’s parents house.
It was 8:30pm (ish). And I was getting tired. I heard my cell phone ring out in the kitchen. I stepped away from the mass of family, and hurried to answer it. It was my mother, I knew that. I couldn’t understand her though. She was…screaming…no, that’s not the right word. She was wailing. A mournful wail. Finally, I understood what she was saying over and over again.
“He said no. He said no. He said no.”
I asked, “What, what did he say no to?”
“Life support. He’s dying.” I quickly asked her if she was at home or at the hospital. She was at home. The doctor had called her. I couldn’t have her driving like that. I couldn’t have me driving either.
Phone in hand, I turned to the questioning eyes of my husband’s family. I could barely form words. “She says he’s dying. I have to go.”
My husband ran to our car and said he’d pick her up. My son followed me as I started down the block. My sister in law and nephew joined my husband in our car. I looked over at him, telling him that I wanted to get to the hospital now, not after he picked up my mom and pleaded with him to allow me to just walk, it was only a few yards away. He said no, he could get us there faster and drop us off then go get my mom.
What we found in my dad’s room haunts me still. My dad, so thin, was trying to get out of his bed, his hospital gown hanging from his thin bony body. This disease had robbed my dad of every ounce of fat and color. He was alone, his face was contorted in unimaginable pain and he was gasping for air. He was alone! I was so angry! Why was he alone? How could the nurses leave him alone like this? Why weren’t they giving him pain medication? Why weren’t they doing anything? Then, a nurse and doctor arrived and quickly answered some of my questions. They hadn’t given him pain meds because that would likely put him under and he wouldn’t come back out. They had wanted to give us a chance to say goodbye. They couldn’t force him back into bed. Couldn’t or didn’t want to, I don’t remember. I think my dad was trying to leave and walk home. My dad has refused intubation. Pain meds and intubation, that’s all they could do. He was dying.
It seemed to take my husband hours to get my mother and bring her back to the hospital. I unsuccessfully tried to convince my dad to get back in the bed. I asked the nurse to give him a small amount of the pain meds just to help him until my mom got back. That helped, but almost completely knocked him out. Finally, when my mother arrived, he was able to look at her. But he had lost the ability to speak and couldn’t say goodbye. She told the nurses to go ahead and give him more, he was hurting so bad.
Have you ever watched someone die? Smother to death? Slowly? From 8:35pm to 6:30 am the next morning, my dad slowly died. The second dose of morphine did indeed knock him out. He didn’t wake up again after that. Our nurse explained that hearing was the last thing “to go.” So she encouraged us to continue to talk. We did. Hoping that he would magically wake up and answer. He didn’t. Though, he did give my husband a crooked smile when he asked him if he wanted us to talk politics for awhile. My dad was always up for a political debate. I asked if he was in pain, the nurses said that the morphine was helping. Helping. So, yes, he was still in pain.
During this time, family and friends came to hospital to sit with us. Hold our hands. Tell my dad they loved him. At midnight, I told my husband to go home and sleep. He was speaking at his mother’s funeral on Friday (this was Thursday, remember). He didn’t want to leave. I had to coax him into leaving. In the end, my mom and I stayed and watched. And though my husband left, he proceeded to call me every hour.
There were no monitors in his room. So at times, we weren’t sure. Was his heart still beating? We could no longer see him breathe. The nurses watched his monitors up at their station. Only they knew exactly when he died.
The last six months have been pretty bad, with a few wonderful highlights thrown in. You don’t lose two very important family members in one week and go back to being “ok” quickly. We’re still working on it. And just when we’re doing well, something, a song, picture, a holiday, will come along and remind us of who we lost and how much we miss them. Then we’re down again. I miss our lives pre-September 2009. For the family reading this, please understand that this is about my dad. Someday, I’m going to write about that sweet mother-in-love of mine. I can’t tell you how much I miss her.
I miss them both. I have hope though. I hope to see them both again in Heaven. I picture my mother-in-law up there organizing activities and being the life of the party. And my dad is strong again, no longer in pain. He has a new body, not one riddled with cancer. I have hope and faith.
I’m glad that we were here. Just a few years ago, we would have been four hours away, living apart from this wonderful family. But, God knew we needed to be here.
Thanks for reading.
So, let’s talk about blogging. Live (?) blogging. When you’re 45 and on sleep meds. Hmmm…that wasn’t wise, was it. I made it through the first hour! Oh my gosh, I am so old!
So tonight, I plan to watch as much of the Oscars as I can find online. I really want to see Ben Affleck’s acceptance speech.
What was your favorite part of the Oscars?